


Good Grief

by Dramaqueenliz



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Anger, Angst, Bargaining, Break Up, Denial, Depression, Five Stages of Grief, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sharing Clothes, magnus and alec are just really sad and im sad, or is it a break, post 2x18, texts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 08:42:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11733579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dramaqueenliz/pseuds/Dramaqueenliz
Summary: Magnus and Alec process what happened and the implications that moment has on their lives.





	Good Grief

**Author's Note:**

> I know the episode is airing soon and this will be rendered useless and everyone else has already posted stuff about this but enjoy the angst!

1 Hour 

Alec had been in his room since Izzy caught him crying in the hallway. Once the elevator doors had closed, Alec moved to the wall and leaned there. Slowly, as the sobs wracked his body, he slid down the wall until he hit the ground. He wrapped his arms around his torso until he felt two arms wrap around him. He knew immediately that it was his sister. She was silent and let him sob into her shoulder. He had pulled away and she silently got up and held out her hand to him. She pulled him up and put an arm around him. She had silently led him to his room.   
“I won’t ask what happened yet, because I know the pain is probably too fresh. I am going to get you water.” She slipped out of his room and returned shortly after. In her absence, Alec sat on his bed and stared at the wall replaying the events in his mind. When she returned Izzy set the water on his nightstand. She moved to the door and turned back to face Alec. 

“When you're ready, you know where to find me.” And with that she was gone. And Alec wasn't sure when that was. Time started standing still the second Magnus was gone from view. He pulled out his phone and noted the late hour. His mind couldn't help but wander to Magnus and wonder how he was doing. He went to his messages and the very first was one from Magnus from before all of this.   
Magnus:   
How do you feel about lobster?   
Alec laughed at how Magnus was always wanting to take him out of his comfort zone. Even though being with Magnus in of itself was exhilarating, Alec enjoyed experiencing things with his boyfriend. Or was it ex-boyfriend? Spurred on by the uncertainty of their situation Alec pulled up his keyboard and began typing.   
Alec:   
I love you and being your boyfriend is the greatest title I could have. 

Alec was itching to hit send. He figured that since Magnus didn’t directly say things were over he could still send random late night texts. Something stopped him and he hit delete. He was going to grab the water when something at the end of his bed caught his eye. In a flash he grabbed the jacket Magnus had lent him one night when he was suddenly called for back up. He had never gotten around to returning it. He pulled it around himself and lay down. It wasn't the same as the warmth of Magnus’ arms wrapped around him, but it smelled of him and if Alec closed his eyes, he could pretend.  
——————————————————————————————————————————  
2 Hours 

Alec hadn’t gone to sleep. He lay staring at the ceiling and just saw Magnus walking away from him, from them. He wasn’t sure how long had past when someone knocked on his door. With everything going on a late night meeting was not unexpected. Especially now that Johnathan had been revealed and was on the loose. Alec got up and moved to the door. Jace was there and gave a small smile. With their parabatai bond Jace was sure to know that something had happened.   
“We should probably discuss what to do about Sebastian. Iz is already in your office waiting for us.” Alec nodded and closed his bedroom door behind himself. He and Jace walked side by side. “I know that somethings wrong and I don’t want to pressure you, but I’m here for you.” Alec nodded in understanding. He hadn’t uttered a word since his pleas earlier and he didn’t trust his voice. He knew it would be hoarse and pitiful if he tried to speak. Soon enough they made it to his office and Izzy greeted them with a smile. Alec noticed Clary in the corner of the room. They got onto the topic of how Sebastian got into the institute. When Izzy started to blame herself Alec was quick to comfort her. He may have been feeling terrible but he didn't want his sister feeling the same way. It was also then that he realized he had been holding himself around the torso this whole time. And the second his arm left he felt himself falling apart. Normally, Clary’s discovery of the real mirror would have affected him more, but here was distracted by Magnus. And what right did he have to have this effect on Alec. Who was Magnus to come into his life and make it that much better, and show him what it was to love someone and then rip it all away. Emotions really were nothing but a distraction and now Alec couldn't even focus on what to do next to stop Valentine. He quietly pulled Jace aside and asked him to head the team in charge of protecting the lake. And told Jace that those currently in the room should be the only ones involved. They all dispersed to try and rest up. Alec pulled out his phone to draft another text.   
Alec  
You know, I was right. Emotions aren't worth it. And I never should have called off my wedding for you. At least then I would have head of institute longer. 

Alec stopped there. And,as he re read what he typed, he knew it wasn’t the truth. While the possibility of losing Magnus was heart breaking, he knew that his life was better because of him. He was no longer hiding who he was and his feelings were no longer compartmentalized. And, try as he might, he could never stay mad at Magnus.   
——————————————————————————————————————————  
3 hours  
It had been another hour of staring at the ceiling when Alec had an idea. He knew of something he could do that was sure to bring Magnus back to him. He bolted out of bed and ran to the door and down the hall to Izzy’s room. Surely she would know if this was a good idea. He knocked on the door and wasn't all that surprised to find her awake. No one was sleeping well recently. She silently opened the door and widened it to let him in. 

“Are you ready to talk big brother?” She sat down on her bed and patted the space next to her. It was nice being in here like this, it reminded him of when they were younger and the weight of the world wasn’t on their shoulders. He sat down and turned toward Izzy a bit. 

“Magnus told me that he couldn’t make all the decisions he needed to if he was with me. But, I know a way that he won’t feel as conflicted. If I give the institute up then there won’t be as much conflict of interest. How does this text sound. ‘Magnus. I understand why you left, but I’m willing to give up my position if you’ll please take me back.’” He looked to his sister and she had the most consolatory look on her face. She wrapped an arm around her brother and gave an affectionate squeeze. 

“Alec I’m so sorry things didn't work out between the two of you and I’m even more sorry that it was out of your guys’ control. I thought you two could make it, but I think you have to let him go. Clearly he needs his space to do what he needs and even if you give up the institute you’re still a shadow hunter. And do not even consider leaving altogether. I would miss you too much. And we need you as head of the institute. You’re such an amazing leader and your vision of the future is the one we need. And the one where, maybe one day, you two can make it work. You have to keep fighting against the Clave and make the system more fair. And I think Magnus would agree with me on that.” Alec looked down at the phone in his la and thought it over. She was right. If he wanted to give their relationship any chance of working in the future he would need his position to work toward the Clave and Downworlders coexisting peacefully and respectfully. He hugged her quickly and a mumbled a quick thank you before rushing out of the room.   
——————————————————————————————————————————  
4 Hours   
Alec was back in his room. He stared at the ceiling. The water Isabelle had left lay untouched. Being in his room he couldn't help but think of the pain Magnus must have felt watching him lie here dying. And maybe Magnus leaving was a good thing. Alec was mortal after all and soon enough he would be but a memory. A former head of institute mentioned in passing generations down. And maybe hearing his name hundreds of years would be less painful on Magnus if they stayed separated. For who was he compared to Magnus, an immortal who burned bright and shone so exquisitely and would continue to do so until the very end of time itself. And Alec was just some small, bland point in the timeline. He pulled out his phone yet again.   
Alec:   
This is for the best. At least now you won’t lose me.   
And Alec had never felt quite as low as he did now. He had never considered how small and insignificant he could be. But, it didn't feel quite right and he hit delete again. And went back to staring at the wall and refusing the offers of food and drink that came his way as the institute started waking up again. He took a sick day off and waved off Izzy’s concern.   
——————————————————————————————————————————  
5 Days   
Alec had mostly recovered from his funk, except for the occasional urge to check his cellphone and disappointment at the lack of notifications from a certain someone. He had thrown himself into the hunt for Valentine and was grateful for the more physically exhausting work. Fighting demons and Circle members required little thought for him and he was more than happy to shut off his brain for a few hours each night. They were making headway into the the search when the Clave became aware of another issue. Word had reached Idris that there was a possibility of a Downworld alliance in New York. Alec wasn't very surprised when he received the fire message. He figured this decision would be the type that Magnus would be torn with. The most disturbing part of the message was the way in which the Clave wanted to handle it. They were considering bringing the inquisitor back and with the trackers yet again. Alec quickly wrote a message of his own detailing his own plan of action. He argued that since the alliance seemed limited to the packs, clans, and warlocks of New York, he as head of institute, should have jurisdiction. A few moments later and he got confirmation that he was allowed to try his plan, and while the tone in the note was reluctant, Alec had faith in this. He pulled out his phone and, for the first time in days, knew exactly what to write. Because now he knew where he and Magnus stood. They were two leaders on the brink of breaking an alliance, no longer romantically involved. And somehow it made it easier for him to type.   
Alec:   
I’m arranging another meeting with the cabinet. I’m requesting you attend as representative of the warlocks.   
Delivered   
And this time Alec knew for sure that he would truly get Magnus the representative, and not Magnus his boyfriend/representative. And he was more accepting of that thought than he was earlier.   
——————————————————————————————————————————  
1 Hour  
Magnus returned home to his loft in a daze. He knew that an alliance with the Downworld was what was best for his people and their survival. Yet, his heart continued to disagree. The moment he entered the loft he was reminded of Alec. He had left a sweater on the couch. And a drawer of clothes in the bedroom. Magnus grabbed the sweater and removed his waistcoat and unbuttoned his shirt. He pulled the sweater over his head, and although it was tight in the shoulders, it was more comfortable. It had been so many years since Magnus had felt this strongly about anyone and he forgot how intense the euphoria was, and how intense it was to miss someone. His phone buzzed with a text alert. He hoped beyond hope it would be Alec, yet the screen displayed a picture message from Cat. He smiled at the image of Madzie playing with the stuffed animal he and Alec had given her the last time they visited. That day had been so full of laughter and love. Seeing Madzie reminded Magnus why this decision was so important. Little ones like her needed to be protected and he had to be free to make those decisions. Remembering why he had to distance himself from Alexander helped ease the pain. And surely one day they would make it work. This was just like hitting pause and picking back up at a better time. He pulled up his conversations with Alec and began to draft a message.   
Magnus:   
You know, maybe we were destined to be. I know that it'll all work out.   
Magnus looked at the message and hastily erased. He was sure that he was the last person Alec would want to hear from. He moved to the kitchen to get a drink, and if he sniffed the sweater he was wearing, no one had to know.   
——————————————————————————————————————————  
2 Hours   
Magnus had spent the last hour speaking with Meliorn about the alliance. They had worked out the fine details and how to structure it to benefit everyone the most. Discussing the alliance and why it was necessary reminded Magnus of all the injustices and horrors he had seen the Clave inflict. He tried to keep those feelings in to keep a decent relationship with the Clave, but now with Valentine back and Johnathan on the loose, he was willing to do anything to protect his people. And clearly the Clave was not the ideal ally for this task. He looked down at his phone and pulled up a text to Alec.   
Magnus:   
I never should have trusted you. You know as well as I that the Clave never would have changed.   
Again, he erased the message. He knew that Alec had the best intentions and he knew that his life was better because he had opened up to Alexander. He didn't want his anger to get in the way of keeping any kind of relationship with Alec. He set his phone down on the coffee table and threw himself down on the couch.   
——————————————————————————————————————————  
3 Hours   
Magnus had fallen asleep on the couch for about forty-five minutes before his phone started ringing. He ignored it and it was silent for a few seconds before it started blaring again. Begrudgingly he picked it up and noticed the caller ID. What Cat wanted from him this early in the morning he didn't want to know, but he knew better than to ignore her calls. Right before it would have gone to voicemail again, he hit accept.   
“Is it true? Are you really siding with the Seelies?” Her voice was curious, edging on nervousness.   
“Yes. Listen the Clave has been hiding so much from us. And Valentine and Jocelyn’s son is alive and theres something about him. I think he's an even bigger threat than his father. I don’t trust the Seelies but you and I know that they always come out on top. They've survived for so long.”   
“Alec’s ok with this?” Magnus was silent for a few moments before Cat seemed to work it out. “You’re choosing the Queen over your boyfriend? Someone you trust implicitly?” Magnus sighed.   
“It’s not that simple. Alec I trust. The clave I do not. I just explained that I needed to make these difficult decisions and being with him made that difficult. I would love a situation where I could stay with him and protect us. Unless you take my position as High Warlock and then it won’t be me betraying him.”  
“You’re joking right. We’re in the most precarious position possible and you, the best leader we could hope to have , want to step down? As sad as whats going on with you and Alec is, you can’t abandon us like that. You'll just have to deal with the consequences and hope the Queen doesn't screw you over.” She hung up without a good bye, blunt as ever. That was a common trait his friends shared, he valued honesty and those that weren't afraid to tell him when he was making a mistake. Which Catarina clearly thought he was making. But really it was between a rock and a hard place. He opened up messages and went to Alec’s contact information.   
Magnus:   
I’d give up anything to be with you.   
The longer he looked at the message the more he realized it was wrong. As much as he loved Alec, he had a duty to his people and he knew that he was the most capable of leading them. Magnus deleted the message and shoved his phone in his pocket, wondering how he suddenly got dragged into all this mess.   
——————————————————————————————————————————   
4 Hours   
Magnus finally moved from the couch to the bedroom. Once he reached it he changed into his pajama pants. He left Alec’s sweater on. He went about his nightly routine, before falling into bed. Before Alec came into his life, Magnus had become accustomed to sleeping. How could one shadow hunter come into his life and alter all his thoughts and feelings in such a short amount of time. His perception of love and relationships had been so abysmal he imagined himself living a dreary existence but then Alec had come into his life, lighting his life up. The last century felt like the darkest, longest night and Alec entering his life was the brightest, sunrise he had ever seen. As he pulled his sheets up he noticed that they were the gold ones. The picture of Alec from that first night was clear in his minds eye. Alec smiling and laughing, so vulnerable and open. He had looked at ease and so comfortable being with Magnus in that way. That night, when he had shared his own vulnerability and Alec was quick to assure him that he was wanted, Magnus was sure he was in love. And waking up that next morning, to Alec framed by both the golden pillowcase and early morning rays, was like seeing the sun up close. Alec had laughed and even made a joke. Magnus looked to Alec’s pillow and quickly switched it with his. He felt colder without Alec there, and he wasn't sure what to do with his arms if they weren't around Alec. His bed had never felt bigger than now with a side completely empty. Being in a space that was their refuge, where they were safe from the storm around them, and one that he associated with falling in love, reminded him of the biggest flaw in their relationship: it was too much. Their feelings were too intense, and the world too cruel and complicated. Here, love was easy, but the outside was far harsher. Magnus was reminded of why he had shut himself off in the first place. Love would never work out for him, or last. He had forever, but at the cost of finding someone to share that forever with. And in that moment Magnus thought that Camille may have been on to something.   
Magnus:   
I’ve never felt so much for someone i such a short amount of time. How did you come into my life and make me feel so much, and now, without you, nothing at all.   
Magnus hit delete once the numbness overcame him, but anything was better than the crushing feeling of hopelessness and loneliness.   
——————————————————————————————————————————  
5 Days   
Magnus looked himself over one last tine in the mirror. He and Cat had arranged for a visit. The past few days were busy for him, between arranging things with the Queen and his normal clients and High Warlock duties he had little time for thinking. He was up early and home very late at night and would crash almost immediately. He welcomed the distractions and was more than happy to be doing things that were productive and second nature to him. Today, however, was his first personal one in awhile. He approved of what he had chosen and left his loft. He decided to take the subway to the park where he was meeting Cat and Madzie. Once he arrived at the designated waiting spot, he looked around and his face broke out in the biggest smile when he saw Madzie running towards him. He scooped her up and twirled her around. Her giggles were music to his ears and he felt happier than he had in days. He set her down and she quickly peaked behind him and looked up at him with a disappointed expression.   
“Where’s uncle Alec?” Maize inquired, big brown eyes boring into Magnus’. He put on an apologetic expression.   
“Sorry sweet pea, but its just me today.” Her face fell little more but when Cat took hold of her hand she brightened again. Cat quickly pulled Magnus into a hug. Magnus went and took Madzie’s other hand and all three headed toward the playground equipment. Magnus and Cat pushed Madzie on the swings for a few minutes before going to the benches to sit down and properly catch up. They sat shoulder to shoulder watching Madzie for a few minutes.   
“Madzie is doing so well. I’m so glad she’s adjusting and that you were able to take her in on such short notice.” Cat waved her hand at Magnus’ praise.   
“It was nothing. The reason I’m even here is because I had an amazing mother and it was high time I honor her by continuing her legacy. And how could you really say no to that face?” Magnus laughed. The few times he and Alec had babysat they definitely indulged and spoiled her. “Have you spoken to Alec yet?” Cat sent a glance his way.   
“No. I’m having trouble finding what to say. Cat, why did this have to be so difficult. I’d almost prefer it if the issue was something petty, but with this I can’t find a solution that ends well for everyone. And I had to keep the greater good in mind.” Cat nodded.   
“I get that now yo9u might be broken up and that you might technically be enemies, but don’t you think its important to at least try and reach out to him? For political reasons, if nothing else. You’re both major leaders here and you know the Clave isn't going to just accept the Downworld forming an alliance. Pull your phone out and…” Cat never finished her sentence because Magnus was pulling out his phone already. Since that moment in the hallway he had been dying to text Alec, but he didn't trust himself to send something when he was sad and alone. It was a miracle he didn't send any of the texts he drafted. Just as he was about to go to his contacts he received a message. His heart rate sped up when he read Alec’s name as the sender. He scanned the message and was disappointed, yet relieved to find that it was professional.At least he had a clear jumping off point for how to write his text. The content and Alec’s plan intrigued him. At Cat’s inquisitive expression he turned the phone to her and saw her eyes scan as well. When she had finished she looked rather pensive.   
“Penny for your thoughts?” Cat focused back on Magnus when he spoke.   
“They must be getting desperate if they aren't sending an envoy or anything. Clearly they think Alec has a better shot at persuading you. You should go.” Magnus gave her a pleading look. “No. We’ve discussed this. You're the leader. You know how to negotiate and you know everyone on the council way more than I do.”: Magnus dropped his gaze back to his phone and typed a reply and for the first time the words came easy.   
Magnus:   
I will gladly attend. I do hope we can work something out that is mutually beneficial.   
Magnus Bane  
High Warlock of Brooklyn   
Delivered   
“The prospect of seeing him and being professional doesn't seem that daunting. And oddly I don't mind if we don't work this out right now.” Magnus looked over at Cat after the message was delivered.   
“I think that might be acceptance.” Cat said quietly, looking at him. Magnus smiled just a bit and knew that he was ready to face Alec and the impending war without fear.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me at softdario on tumblr!


End file.
